I Don't Know How to Tell You This, But... Your Son Is a Witch

Hello there, everyone! I'm really very sorry that it's taken me so long to follow up my last entry (from a week ago?!?), and because I respect you, I'm not going to offer any excuses. This has been due to pure lethargy on my part. That's all. I wish I could say that I my attempts to post were thwarted by Frost Giants from Jotunheim or the Fenris Wolf devouring my hand, but I can't. Well, I can, but the Fenris Wolf story isn't true.
I had epiphany on Sunday that has left me a changed man, one that no longer hates others for their iniquities, so I've been feeling awful darn good as of late now that I've shed all pretense of bitterness. I'm still not a fan in the least of iniquity, but in hating people for their flaws and whatnot, I condemn everyone including myself and don't live up to my own ideals. I got slapped in the face with the Golden Rule, and it was a good thwack, one that left me feeling kind of stupid that it took me so long to get said thwack.
When I wasn't soulsearching, I was also playing unhealthy amounts of Ghost Recon 1 and 2 with my brother, and believe you me: those are some wicked games. If you have the means, I highly recommend them, though before you play you'll want to prepare yourself accordingly, i.e. stock up on doughnuts and iced tea and wear some comfrotable pajamas.
I ended up seeing House of 1,000 Corpses with my brother due to no fault of my own, and I was left aghast and unimpressed. Not only has Rob Zombie sold out his own love of classic horror movies by making a gory "Bloody Death 2" type film, but it carried the same sadistic feel that the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre did, and I was left feeling pretty disenfranchised. I haven't really had a problem with violent movies in the past, but when violence is included that serves no purpose and is so sick and debased, I'm not a fan in the least. Blech.
In other news, Brad has joined me, Erin, Kevin and Jon's mighty ranks as a Halfling Burglar who's already at Level 3. Here's his stats:

Brad

• Neutral Good
• +3 to Dry Wit, +2 to Perception and Wisdom
• Has the abilities Burgle, Riddles, Muppet Diplomacy and Doodle
• Bears the Ring of the Bone-Sayer: +18 Dexterity and minor mind reading abilities (Erin gave it to him... I was too afraid to ask where SHE obtained it from)

Conversely, Erin achieved her quest for the Brita Pitcher of Truth (which allows its bearer to ascertain the truth behind a poker face), thus bringing her up to Level 13. She also gained +2 to Intimidation and has the ability Psi Rockin'. I can't even recall what that is since she cast it on me when I told her that turkey croissant sandwhiches with lettuce and dill dip sounded disgusting. During her quest, she also picked up the follower Giuseppe the Commando Penguin, who looks all cute and cuddly, but has +7 to Dexterity and +4 to Combat. Watch out, evildoers.

Back to me, though... I'm still in the market for a new katana, as it were. You see... mine broke a while back. Don't laugh! I came to blows with Level 9 Bugbear Shaman with an adamantium mace, and you know how it goes.... the darn thing busted. Asunder. And I don't know of any self-respecting Secret Ninja who doesn't have a katana, so I'd like to obtain another one ASAP, if you catch my meaning.

And one more thing. During the Roe Caan Show on 890 WLS a few days ago the first topic of discussion was how a group of Norwegian black metal fans visiting Texas were insulted by the natives' use of "the horns" to encourage the Longhorns, or something along those lines. I was only half listening until I heard the magic words "Norwegian black metal," and then I started listening intently. They started taking calls about the use of the horns and its history (Ronnie James Dio started using it when he went solo in 1980, someone finally got that right), but I thought it was totally petty of Norwegian dudes to claim it as solely their own, or even to be flustered by so trivial a thing. Anywho, I called in to set the record straight on black metal(no one had any idea what black metal was, or even what it was truly called. One of them suddenly asked, 'Wait, what is it? Dark metal, or black metal...?") and the programmer put me on hold, but other callers began to change the subject, and I was let go. Oh well. I tried, at least.

Okay, well, I have loads more laundry to do (hey! I didn't even try to make a pun there! I kill myself!), so I'll be on my merry way. I promise I won't take anywhere near as long for this entry's follow-up, and furthermore: I promise a new installment of HoME either tomorrow or the day after. Ookie dookie?* Thanks for stopping by.

Love, Ian

P.S. If you're at the Eagle Inn, be wary: if you order fettucine alfredo, they substitute rocks for chicken, and don't get the spaghetti! I hear they put scorpions in it...

*Ask Jenny about that one.

He'll flip ya... you'll get flipped...

Well, today's my brother's final day of unemployment, so we're going to celebrate by being a couple of bums and beating the first Halo on co-op. We'll probably finish in time for our mother to bring us sustenance. It was all his idea. Really.
I also wanted to point out to everyone that Kevin is now a Level 4 Neutral Good Human Cleric with abilities Channel Fireball, Minor Healing, Curliness and Super Locution. Since he just started though, he doesn't have any modifiers to his stats, though he is one XP away from adding to his Knowledge and his Poker rolls and gaining the ability Flip. If you want me and Erin's stats, here they are:

Erin

• Level 11 Half-Dwarf Mage
• Chaotic Good
• Can cast Transmogrify, Perplex, Annoy and Greater Pillar of Fire
• +2 to Perception and Combat, +1 to Intuition and Musicals

Ian

• Level 17 Secret Ninja
• Neutral Good
• Can cast Effortless Coolness, Stun, Indian Silence and Skank
• +3 to Dexterity and Intelligence rolls, +2 to all combat, +1 to Perception and Tracking

I don't know, but I'd say that's a fairly strong trio, since I can go ahead as a scout, Erin can blast everything to Kingdom Come, and Kevin can heal the both of us and play Poker afterwards. Of course, we're still gaining XP, so getting into a brawl might not be the best course of action yet. But then again, if any of you kobolds or necromancers out there wanna rumble, you know where to find us.

Love, Ian

Please don't talk to him, he's my nemesis

Wow. I know I promised another installment of "The History of Middle-Earth" that I have yet to deliver, and I am very sorry for that, but I was dutifully reviewing films, so I have something (barely) resembling an excuse. I'm really tired right now, so I'll make this very quick (and you know that this will be fleshed out in the Comments section, anyway), so please forgive how cursory these are going to be:

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou- On the whole, I liked this movie, but I found it to be far sadder than Wes Anderson's other work; if I'm not mistaken, however, the film's emotional payoff comes at the very end. I do rather like how many of his characters seem like children acting like adults and having to face the fact that the world views them as adults nevertheless. I also love the Portuguese David Bowie songs, and the ending credits are a hoot. I'd probably have to see it again to fully appreciate it, though.

White Noise- I really wanted to like this movie since I like both Michael Keaton and am interested in Electronic Voice Phenomena, but the film lacked exposition and internal logic. Certainly it had a few genuinely startling moments, but also had several cliche scares and rote dialogue. It scared Melissa, but that doesn't really mean much of anything.

Okay, I'm really very sorry to cut this short, but I'm hitting the hay. I promise that tomorrow or the next day will deliver a new installment of HoME, so do your best to prepare yourselves.

Love, Ian

A Nice Pickle We've Found Ourselves In, Mr. Frodo

Hey! It's me! I'm online once more and to my astonishment, my left hand can type awfully fast now! Well... it's still sub-standard in comparison to my right, but progress is progress nevertheless. Has it really been a month?! Sheesh. Time flies when you're invalided (NOT invalidated, mind you). Gosh. It's really unfortunate that my last post included an anti-Pantera rant about a week before Dimebag Darrell's death at that Damageplan show. I don't approve of the guy's habits in the least, but being shot five times seems like a pretty stiff penalty for the fella. Reflection on this episode has helped me to realize, though, that... ugh... I still kinda like Pantera. There. I said it. I've had a couple odd musical epiphanies since being released from the hospital, not the least of which included:

• I still like punk and ska from the 90's onwards, at least the likes of Pennywise, the Bouncing Souls, Rancid, Less Than Jake, and the Pietasters.
• Rush is... pretty sweet. Totally ridiculous sometimes, but you're a liar if you say you don't like "The Spirit of Radio." And "Subdivisions" is a pretty killer song. And Neil Peart is potentially the awesomest drummer ever.
• I like Yes. Yes, I said it. I like 'em. I did in 7th Grade, and I cop to liking them once more. "Starship Trooper," "Roundabout," "Long Distance Runaround," "I've Seen All Good People" and "Close to the Edge" are all awesome songs.
• I like Def Leppard, although I have no idea why. As completely retarded as it is, I dig "Foolin'," and "Photograph." Then again, I think I only do because those songs are so terrible that they demand to be adored. Something like that, at least. And at least I still hate "Pour Some Sugar On Me." That is irredeemably awful.
• I like Kylie Minogue. Wait. I already knew that. Nevermind.
• I like Van Halen. Not Van Hagar, mind you, but the first two Van Halen albums and 1984 are pretty good, although admittedly I think it's according to my aforementioned Def Leppard definition of "good," which actually means "bad," but a brainless rock-out version of "bad" that is almost enjoyable.
• I'm not sure how much I actually like the band Asia, but "Heat of the Moment" is a really cool song, even though it's about nostalgia circa 1982. Oh well.
• I like Slayer. Yeah, they kinda suck, I admit it, but they sure won't, and they rock with old-school metal fury. Not liking them demands too much effort on my part.
• I like Duran Duran. "Planet Earth" is an awesome song, in fact as inversely awesome as "Girls on Film" is rubbish.
• Blue Oyster Cult are pretty rad, though not a cult. "Ohhhhhh noooooooo/ There goes Tokyo!/ Go, go, Godzilla!" may be some of the awesomest lyrics ever, and "Burnin' for You?" Get out of here, that song rules. Forget about it.

Of course, I've also come to realize that I've really been missing out not sledding the last couple of winters, and the agony of not being able to now is almost too much for me to bear. I vastly overexaggerate, but nevertheless, being unable to sled during prime sledding conditions kinda sucks. This is a direct corollary to my statement before having surgery about never taking things for granted. Then again, my forced exemption from physical activity at the moment has allowed ample time for Halo 2. Perhaps... a little too much time, actually. Then again, I don't have it as bad as my brother, who wakes up having nightmares about Halo reaching for a Needler. That guy's a little weird.

I wish I hadn't missed out on being out and about during Christmas; I like being amidst people as they're Christmas shopping. It's kind of like watching people at an airport, if you understand my meaning, and I know that shopping can become a hassle and whatnot, but the aspect of being amongst all these people and spreading holiday cheer and good will towards man is the part that appeals to me. Oh well. I'll go to the Mall everyday next Christmas. And maybe an airport while I'm at it.

You know who's not cool in the least? Andy Rooney! That guy's an old poop who's disgruntled by... just about everything under the sun, and 60 Minutes just gives him free rein to prattle on and gripe about nothing in particular! I kinda wish he was on the island of Jakarta around the mid-19th century for an encounter with an old buddy of mine, name o' Krakatoa. You know who else kinda sucks? David Cross. He has about 4 jokes that I thought were kind of funny on one disc of his latest 2-disc comedy album. Most of the time he's a foul-mouthed pointless ranter who's as close-minded as the people he verbally assaults. And he was in Scary Movie 2 with Chris Elliot. That's about reason enough for me to take an active dislike for a person.

I don't really know why pressing "Enter" makes me skip a line now, but it makes me think the thoughts I've typed into this entry are really haphazardly arranged. It kind of looks like it could be a transcription of a Larry King dialogue. That guy's suspenders are impeccable.

I think I'll stop here before my verbal hemorrhage becomes unbearable. Sorry. I'm just really excited to be back. We'll continue with the History of Middle-Earth either tomorrow or the day after, folks, so I hope you're all ready for a history lesson! Thanks for bearing with me, folks.

Love, Ian

P.S. I neglected to officially mention that Worms is most definitely in my Top 5 Games of All Time List. I don't know how I could have made such an egregious error, so I send my sincerest and deepest apologies.