I Am a Blissful Frog

How's it going, folks? For those of you who don't know, my grandpa keeps two ponds in his backyard for (huge!) goldfish that he keeps, one of which stays warm over the winter to keep our friends, the fish, alive and well. The thing is, sometimes frogs will make their way into his backyard hoping to hibernate, but they always choose the wrong pond to nestle into! They always leap into the pond that freezes over the winter, so my grandpa ends up plucking their cryogenically stiff bodies from the freaking cold pond that's freezing over and tosses them into the warm, friendly one. He always says, "Huh, that dumb bastard," as he recounts the story later, but he likes 'em. He can't fool me.
Well, I undergo the third surgery on my collarbone tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning (I gotta be there at 5:30! This is outageous!) and I can honestly say that I'm not overly worried about it. The good Dr. Lang is so venerated at the UW-Madison Hospital that everywhere you go, people speak in hushed tones regarding him. I'm of the opinion I'm in safe hands.
However, I am going to be down for the count for some time after the surgery and staying with my grandpa whilst my father, sister and grandma (the crazy one, not the Tundra one... of course, "crazy" might well be a common thread between the two of of them, so, henceforth, we'll call my Janesville grandma "Pathologically Imbalanced Grandma") and Karina the Cursed are in Hawaii, living lives of relative ease. I'm not jealous; I only wish that I wasn't an invalid behind enemy lines. The sooner I start to feel not-completely-awful, the better. The whole immobility-and-mind-blowing-pain thing really has a way of putting a damper on your day.
So, I'll be bedbound for a while, watching The Abyss, Lord of the Rings, and Pirates of the Carribean again and again (as always), and periodically passing out. I also hope to be gobbling up "Alexander: The Ambiguity of Greatness" like it was nuthin', providing it doesn't make me barf.
Allow me to digress for a moment to explain that I require lots and lots of anti-nausea serum after being anesthetized, because otherwise, I'm one sick puppy. The first time I had surgery, I knew I felt awful and that opening my eyes and taking notice of everything in motion would only provoke gastrointestinal distress, but the stupid nurse ordered me to open my eyes, and I did, and I puked on my dad and all over the sidewalk by the car. Nice job, lady.
But, I'm not in a bad mood or anything. I guess I can't really complain about not having to lift a finger, or about being able to wear pajamas and watch movies all day, though I wish I could be active during the Yuletide season. I'm not harping, but I think anyone would rather be cozy in their home and have autonomy and the ability to move. People take the whole movement thing for granted, believe you me. It took an ill-advised game of basketball for me to figure that one out firsthand.
I want to point out that Sam Goody employees who think they're totally rad playing "Master of Puppets" in the back of the store with a Dimebag Darrell Signature guitar are definitively not rad. In fact, that's about as far from righteous as a fella can get. Furthermore, Pantera are totally un-rad as well, though I totally dug them like there was no tomorrow back in my freshman year. Good Lord, I loved them so; that was a Golden Age when the metal world was still fairly new in this metalhead's eyes, and Phil Anselmo was the coolest guy on the planet, and "Walk" was just about the coolest thing a 15-year old boy could've ever heard. I had that stupid "long bowl"/Primus haircut back then; the one where you grow your hair long on top, but shave everything beneath? Yeah, that was uber-lame, but I thought I was untouchable back then. And the thing is, my mom told me to try it out, since there were Indians way back when that rocked that cut. So, since I wanted to grow my hair anyway, I gave it a shot, and now I cringe whenever I think back to that horrible, horrible 'do. Ick.
On an infinitely more positive note, I wish to point out that everyone should do themselves a favor and check out the Shins; they'll change your life, for sure. I'd attempt a dissertation on exactly how much they reign, but all my attempts would prove vain; they're just really good, so if you have the means, I highly recommend them.
Oh well, I've pontificated for long enough. I will face the future with a light heart, and try to enjoy my hospital stay and my internment with Grandpa... nah, it isn't that bad, really. In case I can't return soon enough, I hope everyone has a splendid and very merry Christmas, and a happy new year! And don't play basketball!

Love, Ian

I'm the King of the Coo-ool Jerks... whoo!

Well, I had dinner with my grandparents tonight at Peking, and that was a hoot. They have their favorite platters memorized by their call number in the menu. I, on the other hand, being the newbie, had to ask for fried wontons and chicken fried rice. Next time, I'll get General Tso's chicken; the rice is far too heavy on onions. Forget that.
Then my grandma and I went to Hallmark to get a Christmas tree ornament like we do every year. I got this cute little one that has a polar bear and seal ice skating together (it was either that or an Imperial-class Star Destroyer from Star Wars; always err on the side of cute).
I also realized today that Christmas is, in fact, my favorite holiday, though Halloween comes in at an awfully close second. I like the sense of goodwill and togetherness that Christmas ushers in, and the spirit of wonder that comes with the season. And I also realized that I really like Christmas songs; sure, they can get kind of irritating, I suppose, but they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside nonetheless.
After all of that, I returned home and was talking to Jenny for some time when I remembered that Eric et al. and I were going to play Capture the Flag at Palmer Park, so I gave his house a call and found that they were already down there (they didn't know when I would be getting from the odyssey with my grandparents), so I did the sensible thing and put on my snowboots and big, brown, ugly farmer's jacket and bolted out the door. I ran most of way down the Ice Age Trail to Palmer Park in between 20 and 30 minutes. Of course, I was a wreck afterward, but I made it in time for some ferocious Capture the Flag action. And, on another up-note, I didn't encounter any Bigfeet, though I was at the ready to stand my ground against any I should cross paths with.
So, my entire body is sore now, but it was well worth it. Of course, I'm negating all the possible health benefits of my impromptu marathon by eating pizza, but, you know... you only have surgery once. Or thrice, I guess.
Well, that's the contents of my mind right now (I'm too pooped to think clearly), so I bid you all a fond farewell. And remember: you can never have too many puppies.

Love,
Ian

P.S. Just what is "She" lying about, anyway?

The History of Middle-Earth, Part Two

Well, before we kick off the second installment of the History, I want to inform the world that Kliph Scurlock, the Flaming Lips' drummer, has begun an e-mail correspondance with me! As if I have to explain how awesome that is, let me tell you right now: THAT RULES! And the guy likes Uriah Heep! How righteous is that?! (Actually, that's of questionable righteousness, as Uriah Heep is one of those bands that are so bad, they're totally rad, like Blue Oyster Cult, but you know what I mean.) But there's no doubt about it: I am the luckiest fella on the face of the Earth! Whoo! Yeah!
Okay, ahem, with that out of the way, we'll continue with:

The History of Middle-Earth, Part Two

After the establishment of the Blessed Realm, Melkor raised a second fortress in the Northwest of Middle-Earth named Angband ("The Hells of Iron") and placed Sauron, his most able lieutenant in command of it. This fortress would command the passes to Melkor's dominion in the East should the Valar return out of the Uttermost West.

Some of them did, in fact, return to Middle-Earth frequently; Orome would ride through the forests and the plains to hunt. Yavanna placed much of the plant and animal life of Middle-Earth under the Sleep of Yavanna, to protect them during the years of Melkor's domination. Ulmo resided in the many waters to preserve the natural beauty of Middle-Earth. And Aule fashioned a race of hardy creatures to live in Middle-Earth and toil in its depths: the Dwarves.

Aule created the Dwarves to serve Eru and help to shape Middle-Earth in the absence of the Valar, and so that he would have a race to commune with and teach craftsmanship to. However, it was not yet the time for the Firstborn, the Elves, to awaken, and Eru saw Aule and asked what he had done. Eru told Aule that nothing resembling life could be created without the aid of Eru. Aule repented and offered to destroy his creations. However, as he was about to swing down his hammer, the Fathers of the Dwarves quailed and cried out, and Aule saw that Eru had granted them life. However, they had to return to sleep until after the Elves had awoken, and Aule thanked Eru for his mercy.

Eventually, the Valar held council and decided that some measures had to be taken to check the powers of Melkor, and it was decided that they would begin to search for the awakening place of the Firstborn, and to aid them, Varda rekindled the nearest stars to light Middle-Earth. At this moment, the Elves awoke in the East in Cuivienen with the starlight in their eyes, and the first sound that they heard was flowing water. They gave names to everything, and named themselves the Quendi, "the Speakers," for they were the only race at this time which spoke to one another and sang. The Elves are the fairest race to have graced the world, and they were immortal, or rather, their lives were tied to the life of the world, and so long as it lasted, so would they, though they could succumb to injury or to grief.

As it happened, Orome was hunting in the Far East when he happened upon the Elves, and named them in their own tongue the Eldar, "The People of the Stars." He spoke at length to the Eldar of the Valar and of Eru (whom they named Illuvatar), and found that some of them had already been seized by Melkor and that dark spirits spied upon their homes in Cuivienen. It was later found that these captured Elves were twisted by torture and sorcery into the race of Orcs; it was said that this was Melkor's worst offense.

Orome rushed back to Valinor to report his findings, and it was agreed that for the Eldar's sake, war must be made upon Melkor. The Host of Valinor set out and lay siege to Angband and routed Sauron's forces, though Angband's foundations were left standing. They made their way eastward and began a long siege of Utumno, which the Elves could hear from afar off, and they could see smoke rising in the North. Eventually, the Valar forced themselves into Utumno and destroyed it, and Tulkas found Melkor and wrestled with him and chained him with Angainor, which was wrought by Aule. It was decreed that Melkor would be imprisoned in the Halls of Mandos, whence none my escape, for the duration of three ages, and Middle-Earth had peace for a very long while though many of the minions of Melkor had escaped into hiding.

Orome returned to beckon the Elves to come to Valinor to reside with the Valar, and took three representatives to Valinor that they themselves could witness its grandeur and convince their kindreds to depart Cuivienen; these representatives were Ingwe, Finwe, and Elwe, who were kings of their kindreds. The most part of the Eldar decided to take the long road West to Valinor, but the remainder were named the Avari, "the Unwilling." The hosts that took the road West were ever after called the Eldar, though they split into three hosts. Ingwe led the Vanyar, "the Fair Elves," who had golden hair and were much beloved by the Valar; Finwe led the Noldor, "the Deep Elves," who learned under Aule and were dedicated to the furtherance of their knowledge; and the Teleri, a host so vast that it required two leaders, Elwe, and his brother Olwe. Their host was so enormous that they tarried long and often, and that was what their name signified. The Teleri loved the sea, and were the least anxious to depart from Middle-Earth.

Over many, many years the Eldar continued West, stopping often on the road whenever Orome departed. The Teleri lost many followers during this time, and these Elves who forsook the road became the ancestors of the Silvan Elves. One of these groups were the numerous Nandor, "Those Who Turn Back," who were led by Lenwe and refused to cross the Misty Mountains and turned south along the river Anduin.

Finally, the Vanyar and the Noldor reached the shores of the Great Sea Belegaer in Beleriand, and Osse ferried them across on a great island to Valinor, whilst their comrades the Teleri stopped in Eastern Beleriand. Elwe was lost to the Teleri in Nan Elmoth, a forest wherein the Maia Melian dwelt. Elwe was enchanted by Melian's beauty, and forgot for a while his people, and he and Melian lived together in Nan Elmoth for a long while. His brother, thinking Elwe lost forever, took up the kingship of the Teleri and led his folk westward. The numerous followers of Elwe called themselves the Eglath, "the Forsaken," and remained in Beleriand. Finally, Elwe returned from his enchantment in Nan Elmoth with Melian, his Queen, and his people rejoiced. His hair had turned silver, and he was named Elwe Singollo, "Greymantle," and his people became the Sindar, the Grey Elves, the Elves of the Twilight, and they resided in Beleriand. Their tongue grew apart during their absence from the Vanyar and the Noldor, and his own name became Elu Thingol, and Sindarin became the language of Beleriand and Thingol its lord.

The Vanyar and the Noldor were welcomed to Valinor, and they established the great city of Tirion upon the hill of Tuna and Finwe built his great tower Mindon Eldalieva whose silver lamp looked out far upon the sea. Tirion also had a sapling of the White Tree Telperion, named Galathilion, though it did not give light of its own being. Eventually, the Vanyar departed to reside in Valmar, the Valar's capitol, for they were most favored by the Valar.

Finally, the Teleri under Olwe came at last to Valinor, though they grew to love the sea and were loathe to part. So, Osse rooted the ferry in the Bay of Eldamar in sight of Valinor, and the Valar opened the Pass of Calcirya that the Teleri may see the light of the Two Trees. This isle became known as Tol Eressea, the Lonely Isle, and the Teleri were happy there for long ages. Finally, however, they wished to be reunited with their brethren, and Ulmo taught them the art of ship-building, and they established their city of Alqualonde on the shores of the Uttermost West in sight of Calcirya. The Noontide of Valinor thus began, and many ages of bliss began for the Eldar of Valinor and of Beleriand.

Whew. I knew the recounting of the Eldar's march to the West would be a mouthful, but sheesh! It should be more linear from here on out, though. If there's any confusion regarding this topic (or any Middle-Earth topic), don't be afraid to ask. I'll answer much more directly than the prose I've been delivering; I may be writing these entries a bit too obtusely. But anyway, thanks for listening, as always. Take care, folks! And listen to the Flaming Lips!

Love, Ian

P.S. "Burnin' for You" is a totally righteous song!

P.P.S. They played "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by the Clash and "Baba O'Riley" by the Who a couple of minutes before we arrived at the hospital yesterday morning, and it made for a totally rockin' alarm, believe you me.