Dreaming in Dog Years

Dude(s)!

An End to Flesh's record release was held last night in Madison, and was it was unspeakably awesome. First of all, An End to Flesh is a straight-up death metal band which is remarkable enough anymore given how every Caucasian male between the ages of 17 and 23 want to be in crappy hardcore bands, but the real kicker is how hard they shred! If toast was at one end of the shred spectrum (the not-too-impressive side) and Hiroshima was at the other (the cataclysmic side), An End to Flesh would definitely approach the destructive fury of the splitting of the atom. In a musical sense, at least.
A few mediocre at best hardcore bands (A Dozen Furies, Still Remains) played afterwards, prompting many yawns from this reviewer, but the Red Chord followed and destroyed harcore cliches with their vitriolic blend of tech-metal, death metal and grind and pretty much destroyed everyone present. It's worth noting that they did so whilst sporting some of the sickest facial hair and flannel shirts I've ever seen, except for their vocalist, whose over-the-top-ness came courtesy of his shout-outs to the preceeding bands,

"Make some noise for A Dozen Douchebags!"
"Give a big hand to the ladies in Still Complains!"

and in his praise for people in the audience,

"I don't want to sound gay, but Greg is a beautiful man!"

Also noteworthy about his performance was the (intentionally) confused-looking faces he would make at the beginning of each of their songs as though he didn't actually understand the sheer brutality which he was unleashing with his bandmates. All in all, an excellent set from a forward-thinking band.
Closing that evening were straight-edge legends (?) Throwdown, who are quite possibly the most unintentionally hilarious band this side of Lynyrd Skynyrd. They're totaly rock stars whom you couldn't catch a glimpse of until the second of their performance; they're also the only band that night that didn't set up their own gear. Anyways, their ridiculousness lies in:

1. Their lame music
2. Their lame lyrics
3. Their self-righteousness
4. The white SG bass their bassist was playing

Their music consists almost solely of breakdowns, and undoubtedly, they are some of the lamest breakdowns I've ever heard. Not to say that there's that many sweet ones ('cause there aren't, let's face it), but they really broke the mold when it came to the laziest, most uninspired, palm-muted, one-chord chug riffs the world has ever witnessed. And their lyrics?

"There's nothing left to say... I've got one last thing to say: Go!"
"Never back down, never give in, just let those ****ing bastards do themselves in!"
"You ****ing bastards!"
"**** you, your friends, and your life!"

That last bit of lyrical brilliance came immediately on the heels of their vocalist's pleas for unity and respect. I get the feeling the irony escaped him. But even as (dare I say it?) retarded as their music is/was, it's still pretty enjoyable if only for pure kitsch value, and for those occasions where you don't really feel like thinking whilst listening to music.
One more absolutely awesome part of the Red Chord's set, so I can end this on an up-note: the pit reverted back to the glory days of moshing, i.e. NO HARDCORE DANCING! Oh, man, I was in Heaven! Just lots of excited dudes running around and clobbering... it almost brought tears to my eyes. Okay, maybe not quite, but it made me feel so good to see that not everyone has bought in to hardcore dancing and that most of the people that night just wanted to rip and pretend there weren't any hardcore fashionistas about! Seriously, hardcore dancing is one of the lamest things I can think of.

After hardcore, of course.

Love,
Ian

Are you saving your mushrooms for your ice cream?

I'm often asked, "Ian, what wisdom can you impart that I needn't suffer needlessly?"* I do my best to help anyone who extends the hand of friendship and requests my aid, and thus, once more, I will share the fruits of my knowledge with you so you don't have to learn from your own mistakes first-hand. Forget that, dude.

Consider the following:

• Always choose muffins over Scene It. Well, maybe not always, but as far as guidelines go, it's a good one to remember.
• Don't stick your tongue to metal poles when it's as cold as Siberia outside. You will tear your tongue off.
• Don't call Subway a half dozen times asking for 12 party subs. They don't think it's funny. At all.
• If someone offers you 50 bucks to go to IHOP, jump all over that. Just don't get the Smiley Face, because it's only a pancake. Get the Rise 'n Shine with some toast on the side, and really show 'em who's boss.
• Don't go to the Hardcore Swings when it's 8 degrees below zero. Without the wind chill factor.
• Try not to act weirded out when your dad asks you if you've read the issue of Playboy with the John Cusack interview. He already knows you're weirded out.
• Never trust Ally to not drink your shake if you leave, even for a second.
• Don't say "rip" in front of Ally's dad, he doesn't get it and probably thinks you mean "take drugs" or something ludicrous like that.
• Don't drop my friggin' Agoraphobic Nosebleed discs!!!

Undoubtedly, some of you have first-hand experience in these aforementioned realms now, so I guess there's no point in pretending that I'm passing on sage-like wisdom. Well, in this regard, at least. I'd like to think I'm capable of osmoting at least some worthwhile information here and there, even if it is only accidentally.

Wait a minute... does "accidental wisdom" even make sense?

Love,
Ian

*Actually, I suppose "often" might be the wrong word to use here. Maybe something more like, "occasionally," or, better yet, "so infrequently it might as well be never."

Rock for Light

Hello, all.

So, uh... I'm seeing now that my decision to abandon this blog was ill-conceived at best. I tried to get out, but it keeps pulling me back in! There's simply too much sentimental attachment on my part, so I should've figured my retirement from the blogging world would be illusory. And now, with a (not really) heavy heart, I announce my return.

To little fanfare.

Now I just have to attain the discipline to actually.... you know, update now and then. Sigh.
There's also a big old albatross around my neck called "The History of Middle-Earth" which is just begging to be finished, so that's pretty much going to be an ordeal. But also a labor of love. Please don't believe that I'm actually complaining, I've been jonesing for a return to the geek limelight for some time now. I guess it could be argued that I've never left the arena of geekdom or its limelight, but.... that debate is an excercise in futility.

So, in short, please wholly disregard the post immediately below this, and tune in frequently (I would've said regularly, but thankfully, I don't have any real deadline to stress out about) and let's all get about to the task at hand: striving for excellence in our every pursuit. Let the awesomeness commence.

Love,
Ian