Are you saving your mushrooms for your ice cream?

I'm often asked, "Ian, what wisdom can you impart that I needn't suffer needlessly?"* I do my best to help anyone who extends the hand of friendship and requests my aid, and thus, once more, I will share the fruits of my knowledge with you so you don't have to learn from your own mistakes first-hand. Forget that, dude.

Consider the following:

• Always choose muffins over Scene It. Well, maybe not always, but as far as guidelines go, it's a good one to remember.
• Don't stick your tongue to metal poles when it's as cold as Siberia outside. You will tear your tongue off.
• Don't call Subway a half dozen times asking for 12 party subs. They don't think it's funny. At all.
• If someone offers you 50 bucks to go to IHOP, jump all over that. Just don't get the Smiley Face, because it's only a pancake. Get the Rise 'n Shine with some toast on the side, and really show 'em who's boss.
• Don't go to the Hardcore Swings when it's 8 degrees below zero. Without the wind chill factor.
• Try not to act weirded out when your dad asks you if you've read the issue of Playboy with the John Cusack interview. He already knows you're weirded out.
• Never trust Ally to not drink your shake if you leave, even for a second.
• Don't say "rip" in front of Ally's dad, he doesn't get it and probably thinks you mean "take drugs" or something ludicrous like that.
• Don't drop my friggin' Agoraphobic Nosebleed discs!!!

Undoubtedly, some of you have first-hand experience in these aforementioned realms now, so I guess there's no point in pretending that I'm passing on sage-like wisdom. Well, in this regard, at least. I'd like to think I'm capable of osmoting at least some worthwhile information here and there, even if it is only accidentally.

Wait a minute... does "accidental wisdom" even make sense?

Love,
Ian

*Actually, I suppose "often" might be the wrong word to use here. Maybe something more like, "occasionally," or, better yet, "so infrequently it might as well be never."